


Northern Wind

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Tragedy, Don't Read This, Drabble, M/M, One Shot, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-09 04:03:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3235595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is just a short angsty drabble that I wrote and never uploaded. It's not that great and it does involve a not so detailed suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Northern Wind

**Author's Note:**

> I'm the darkest hour  
> Just before the dawn  
> And I'm slowly sinking  
> Into the slough of despond. ~City & Colour

Memories ghosted against my long forgotten skin, our legs tangled as did our hearts.  
A drunken pile of unsaid words and concealed emotions.  
I kissed him with the intention of never stopping.  
My eyes searching for something that wasn’t even there, but in my head it was.  
The drunken passion radiating off of our bodies as we made love.   
I counted days without him before this moment. Before I ran into him at our high school reunion.  
The instances that led up until this moment pained me.   
The years I spent alone, thinking about him.  
The months that I searched for him, trying to find out where he was.  
The hours I’d spend thinking about him every day.  
Thinking about his beautiful blonde hair and gleaming blue eyes.  
Thinking about the way he loved me when no one else would.

 

The loneliness I had endured after choosing Marco over him was my fault.  
It was my entire fault but it was so easy to blame everyone else.  
It was easy to blame Marco for leaving me a year later for a girl that he worked with.  
It was even easier for me to blame Armin.   
It was easy to blame him for letting me chose anyone but him in the first place.  
If he would have just told me that he loved me back then, I would have stayed.  
We were high school sweethearts and the implicit words that we never said ended our relationship before it had the opportunity to be true.   
I was reminded that all beautiful things must come to an end. 

 

We lay in the bed of my hotel room, void of noise and we’re just looking at each other.  
I’m afraid to speak and he’s afraid to admit to what we just did.  
His blue eyes, they hold a deep sense of struggle and I can read his poetry from within.   
I wonder if he can see that I’m made of regret and anger. Then again, I wonder if he even cares.

The drunken euphoria still lingers in our system and I finally work up the nerve to speak. 

“So…it’s been a long while.” I sound sad. I always sound so sad. “Too long.” 

“It’s only been 5 years, Jean.” The bitter tone to his voice hurts. 

The way he says my name with a sense of dejection. I cringe, he rolls his eyes.

“You left me,” The pain and regret wells in my chest, I fucked up.

I left him when he needed me most. I left him right after his parents passed away.  
Left him in the middle of med school when he was too stressed out to pay attention to me.  
It was the biggest mistake I ever made, leaving him so I didn’t feel bad for fucking Marco. 

“I know...I’ve regretted it every day since.” It was the truth, after Marco and I got together I realized how much I really loved Armin.   
How much I was just using the man for sex because I didn’t want to lay with him afterwards.   
I found myself hoping that wasn’t how Armin was feeling right now but from the distance between it was wishful thinking.

“Regret doesn’t make things go away Jean. It doesn’t make up for your actions. It doesn’t make up for you leaving me because I got into a better college than you and we couldn’t fuck on a daily basis like you wanted”

I’m at a loss for the words. My life is the same nightmare over and over.  
Armin used to be so soft spoken and kind, now he’s bitter and angry. I wonder if he’s even the same person I knew. I  
realize that I don’t care; I’m just at ease in his presence. 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…I’ve always loved you.” 

It’s funny how we think we know.

 

We think we know what pain is, yet there’s someone out there that’s feeling what we feel and more.  
What was hurting me hurt Armin so much more.   
Because I chose this path, he didn’t.  
I’m an asshole and I’ve only just realized it. 

“I’ve always loved you too, Jean,” suddenly he’s soft again.

He turns to me and puts his hand on my cheek and I can see his face flush like the shy Armin I remember.   
The anger dissipates from his naked body and for the first time in five years we see each other.   
The age shows on his face, the struggle for happiness- deep bags under his eyes and a cautiousness in his touch.  
I’ve hurt him more than I realized and I wonder who else has. I have so many questions for him, where he’s been all these years…what’s he been doing. 

“I shouldn’t still love you but I do.” He looks down at my lips and instinctively I lean forward to kiss him, like we kissed earlier.

 

Our lips met each other hungrily and our tongues intertwined with an urge to forget the loneliness that had overcome us.

After a deep gasp for breath I lean in again for more and he puts his hand over my mouth.

 

“Jean…I’m married.” 

He’s not wearing a ring.

I’m afraid to lose him but is he even mine to lose?

So many thoughts are circulating in my head. After all this, after I get so close. 

 

“What…?” 

 

“I got married a couple years ago and I know I’ve already cheated but I can’t do this, not again.” He grabs my cheek again and leans in to kiss my forehead.

When I thought that I had gotten him back. Just when I thought that I had a chance to fix things. It’s ripped from my grasp. 

If I was panicking before, I am now as I watch him slide out of bed and start to get dressed.

I sit up, tears threatening to fall as I frantically try to think of a way to make him stay. 

 

“You’re just gonna leave? Just like that? I can’t-“ I say, getting out of bed and go to pull my jeans.   
He’s already halfway towards the door and I can feel myself slipping. 

“Armin wait...!” He’s holding the ajar and just staring at me.

His eyes, they’re looking right through me.

“Haven’t you noticed…Why now?” Armin looks at me halfheartedly.

I stop and look at him for a few seconds just trying to understand his question. 

“You were just /gone/. When I needed you most, you were gone.”

Stopping abruptly in my tracks and just watching as he disappears into the hall. I just feel empty.  
Sinking to the ground and just sitting there for several minutes, I ponder over what had really just happened.   
Just as fast as it had started, it ended. 

 

When I finally rose to my feet, I slipped out onto the balcony.

The bright lights in the night calling me to recognize their beauty as I crawl onto the railing and dangle my feet over the void.   
I watch the small figures below me move back and forth. I wonder if Armin is down there anywhere or if he’s already long gone.   
I wonder if he’s thinking about me this way. 

Does he miss me? Will he miss me when he gets home?

I don’t regret being with him, I don’t regret making love to him one last time before the end.  
I listen to the sounds, shutting my eyes and just imagining that Armin was here to stop me.  
Would he stop me if he could? It seems so foreign. The idea of living out my days.  
Death sounds so easy compared to fighting alone for the rest of my life. 

“I love you Armin…” I wish he could hear my final words.   
I chose not to leave a letter, who would even read it?  
I’m a sad, lonely shell of the person I used to be.   
I haven’t been alive for many years and my body is tired of the struggle.  
I’m too drunk to realize the severity of the situation.   
Too drunk to even care.  
But most of all I am too drunk to realize that Armin left his phone number on the stand beside the bed. 

So I just let go and I feel the wind hitting my face. It's refreshing but it heightens the pain. Even now he's all that I can think about. 

And then there is nothing.


End file.
